All Good Things...
Just about one month left here in lovely Switzerland....and will I be relieved to return....oh yes!!
I've had enough of the work here, the monotony, the boredom, the constant web-surfing...
I know I'm sacrificing a possible future here but I need to get home to recuperate from the last twelve months
of my life. I've loved some of my time here and the friends I've made but the emotionally-traumatised me is
looking for a way home right now. To be with the familiar again, I suppose...to gain sustenance from being
in a safe environment....not too much to ask. I could travel abroad again...just to satisfy my curiousity...

"Inside everybody's hiding something"
Those lyrics below express exactly how I feel at the moment and if I recall them it
helps me get over my current state of mind. I try time and again not to slide...
Depression is like that I guess. The turmoil in my mind is like a constant battle
between two opponents: the guilty which makes me relive my mistakes time and
again in a vicious circle of rememberence; the optomist which makes me look to
the future, put the mistakes behind me and move on. Easier to express in words
than think about. I need to keep active in order to be free. Alone I just dwell on my
thoughts too much. I have to learn to forgive myself but it's just the anger I feel at
having let myself down. The values I once held dear disappeared in a night of
madness. Of course it's going to take time to get over and nearing the date
when my life was turned upside down a year ago makes it all the more poignant.

Slide

Even on a day like this when you're crawling on the floor
Reaching for the 'phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore
It's all right to make mistakes, you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Staring at the same four walls, have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes they don't hide, that you need to get some rest
It's all right to make mistakes you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment
Don't slide
Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all
It's all right to make mistakes you're only human
Inside everybody's hiding something
Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment
Don't slide
You bought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there
Lie here and rest your head and dream of something else instead
Don't slide.

Lyrics by Dido. Taken from the Album No Angel.

Sunday Night into Monday Evening
Still in work at the moment. Longing for something else... God my demons came
back to haunt me last night - the usual: financial, health etc. Thoughts that can
really fuck me up for a while. At least I calmed down a bit and managed to sleep...
Work still is the most boring part of my day. I'd love to gain my enthusiasm back
for the gym but just don't have the energy. Lethargy is a passion killer!!

And so it begins...
God, I think I really needed this outlet...diaries have always bored me
(too much effort, so little time). At least I can now publish on the fly and
hopefully retain some of my sanity that's been slipping away lately!
What a week - turned 27 on 30 April - hate the uneven numbers...
Hope this year will be better than last...
2001 was a personal hell for me... went through such a range of emotions
that would even embarrass a Vulcan! It's Sunday already and post-P's party.
Held through it pretty well... but then again it's what I do best.
Crap work in a couple of hours...more sitting around, entering mind-numbing tests...
More later...